How to Overcome Tribalism and Talk to Strangers
I took the bus to school every day until I was 17. I would wait outside, in the cold, in the rain, or warm welcoming sun everyday. I grew up in a small town with few children and even fewer serpentine bus routes through the backwoods of upstate New York. While my bus was often empty, sometimes we would have to take on the burden of another bus route, making our commute longer. More children would have to squish onto those plastic bus seats that stick to your thighs in the summer or you slide off of in the winter in your slick snow pants. On the rare but unwelcomed day where I would have to slide up next to a fellow commuter, my brain would begin scanning the tops of heads and bus seats like a robot. It was searching not just for an empty bus seat but one next to a girl. I wanted to sit next to another female, preferably my age. Why? My 10-year old brain didn’t know. It felt more comfortable...I guess? What I didn’t recognize at the time and wouldn’t for many more years is that what was happening to me was a pang of tribalism.
I would feel this tribal instinct, a fiery us against them, in random moments of my life.
I do it today too, a little more consciously when I am looking for a seat on the Metro North, subway, or 16- hour bus through the rugged Peruvian highlands.
This instinct is unfortunately part of our neurological makeup because you see, our brains are a bunch of narcissists.
My brain only wants to be around people that are like her, like a pouty queen bee. She unfortunately believes that those who look like her are somewhat safer, which is debatable. However, I have showed her time and time again that talking to people that aren’t like her is wildly safe if not enjoyable. But she still stews up the same drama when I’m surrounded by faces I don’t recognize. If someone doesn’t look like me, they are automatically suspect. Our brains instinctively scan rooms and project unwarranted assumptions onto those whose names we don’t even know.
This is the crux of tribalism. Believing that your group is somehow superior to others, even without any evidence. And we skin that cat in a lot of different ways: race, gender, ethnicity, religion, political party, sports team, and preferred pizza crust thickness.
Tribalism is where stereotypes, prejudice, and bias originate.
We lay assumptions on thick
like frosting on a cinnamon roll.
When we identify too strongly with one group, it can skew our perspective on outside groups. Studies have shown that our views are powerfully shaped by those we identify with. This can make it easier to defend our ( biased) reasoning and dehumanize outsiders.
This group think had historically allowed us to do some incredibly dumb things to each other
( links to- the crusades, the Pygmy Genocide, the conquering of the Americas, the Moriori Genocide, the colonization of Africa, the removal of children from the Aborigines, WW1, the Armenian Genocide, WW2, the Al-Anfal Genocide, the Rwandan Genocide, the Bosnian Genocide, and the current Chinese government “re-educating” national Muslims and MORE).
Ok sorry that was a lot.
But look at how tribalism has been used to turn away from each other and go to the extent of murdering each other.
*Evolution fumes in the corner
“WHY did I develop bigger brains for you if you’re only going to be at each other’s throats?! I should have invested more in dolphins.” shakes its head ashamed.
However, we are often born in communities where everyone looks like us. So it’s easier to believe the unquestioned ideas or outlandish stories to make dumb assumptions about each other.
Personally, I believe we are leaning into our tribalism more than ever because we are becoming more globalized. We have more mobility now than ever, so people have more say in where they want to live or seek refuge if they are being displaced. Our tribal instincts push us to build walls instead of pathways.
Your tribe is just a story.
you can believe in it or rewrite it.
It is unfortunately a knee-jerk reaction. But we can train ourselves out of it.
That is where traveling comes in.
When you travel, you are thrown into worlds that work differently than yours and meet people who think/look/act/ and eat differently. None are wrong, just different. You begin to crack out of your mental blocks around others. *slaps head against wall
Point of Order: never feel bad about believing in stereotypes. We are not always in control of our thoughts. Often, they are in control of us. As long as you recognize that what you thought and replace it quickly with “I know that’s not true.” or “ That’s a funny thought. I wonder why I think that.”
Even after traveling to tons of countries alone, I still do it. Don’t beat yourself up when you have a flash of
* WHO THE FUCK IS THIS PERSON AND WHY ARE THEY IN MYYYYYYY WAYYYY*
We all do it, just don’t act on it and replace it with a chiller thought.
*inhales smoke- aren’t we all just one, man?*
You’re human. We are messy and hopefully trying to do our best.
We may have to look perfect for Instagram, but mentally we can trip up and no one will notice but ourselves.
Travel is one of the best ways to eradicate the toxic tribalist mentalities that are embedded into us. Sure, tribalism is unfortunately innate, but if we have the science to sequence our DNA we can get over our tribalistic instincts.
When you travel, take note that you might be afraid to talk to strangers because they seem different than you. But my loves, that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
When I was traveling alone, I became addicted to talking to people, hearing their stories, and learning from them. Not just the people I was couchsurfing and volunteering with but cab drivers, baristas, and bartenders. And that people were much kinder than anticipated.
I learned more through those conversations than reading the stack of books that are still by my bedside table.
*Lord, it is wobbly and has a lot of dust*
Any seasoned traveler will tell you that strangers make their trip.
They help you and your unnecessary amount of luggage up long flights of stairs. They throw you a dollar as you fumble through their currency. They help you fill out your customs information during your endless flight to Asia.
What I am NOT saying is to blindly trust everyone. Don’t walk up to people hand them your keys, ID, and social security and be like, can you hold onto this while I go to the bathroom?
We will get into how to approach and talk to strangers in the upcoming blog posts. You still need to listen to your gut, assess every situation, and if your spidey senses start tingling, fly your way out of there.
However, when we break out of our tribalism we are able to see the commonalities that all humans share: we want warmth, company, and to be well-fed.
What’s the lesson?
Assume nothing.
Humans are vastly more complex than we give them credit.
Does this tribalism idea resonate with you?